Why did the marriage fall apart?

The short answer

We just did not get along.  We never really did.  We did not respect each other.  We never stuck up for one another.

The long answer.

Throughout the last 7-8 years of marriage, we had several nasty undercurrents running through the marriage: religion, not being happy with what you have, never-ending financial problems and emotional infidelity.  Towards the end, there was an extreme loss of trust.  Let’s tackle religion today.

Religion.

I am Jewish.  Julia is too.  Julia wanted to be more religious and I did not want to be religious at all.  She wanted to be an Orthodox Jew and the whole concept was completely and utterly foreign to me. 

So what being an Orthodox Jew really mean?  For one, it means keeping kosher.  This in turn means no more going out to restaurants (unless it’s kosher – closest one being 50 miles away).  It means you can’t eat most of what you’ve been eating your entire life. 

It also means observing the Sabbath, day of rest.  This involves being precluded from doing anything on Friday night and Saturday.  And by anything, I mean, no TV, no computers, no drive to the beach for a leisurely walk, etc…  On Sabbath, you are supposed to study the Torah and go to the synagogue.  So, on this day of rest, you are actually precluded from doing things that actually give you rest (like a bicycle ride, for instance).

For a secular guy like me, it really was too much to take.  If you add to that Julia’s bullying and demanding demeanor, you can see why this would cause problems. 

Julia’s slide into Orthodox Judaism was a slow one at first, but as she started meeting like-minded people who would egg her on and encourage her to stand up to me for her beliefs, it massively accelerated. 

Soon our weekly Friday outing  to the movies became history, since she could no longer drive on Sabbath.  Me wanting to take the kids to Pizza Hut for a slice would trigger World War III, since it’s not kosher.  Me wanting to take the kids to the beach on Saturday would be met with massive opposition.  Plus Julia demanded that I accompany her to the synagogue on Saturdays – something I intensely disliked.

Our interests drifted apart.  I was not interested in her religious activities and that was the only thing she was interested in. 

One of the marriage counselors we saw (it must have been a rabbi of some type), asked me whether I ever honestly gave religion a shot.  Whether I ever tried to live Julia’s lifestyle and see if it fit me.  The frank answer is no, I never really tried, because that is never what I wanted.  My mind does not work like that – I can’t be an orthodox Jew.  

In fact, the disagreements started before we even got married.  I was just going through all my docs from way back in the day and found the Family Constitution, dated 10 days before our wedding.  It noted that we shall keep kosher at home, but elsewhere I was free to eat whatever I wanted with the proviso that I avoid pork.  It also stated that we would attempt to have a family Sabbath dinner every Friday, would not work on those days either, we’d remain open-minded about Sabbath, but that the rules would not be enforced.  If that is as far as Julia went, I think we would still be married.  

The foreclosure.

This week Julia is getting evicted and our children lose the only home they ever knew.  Sure Ben lived in our old townhouse for about a year, and the kids spent 3 days out of the week in my crummy apartment, but that house was really the only home they truly ever knew. 

In the divorce proceedings, Julia wanted the home and I did not object.  Hindsight, I should have, because I think I would have done better  by the house. 

Be that as it may, in the years to come, Julia will surely blame me for the loss of the house, so I want to put down all the facts as I know them, since they are fresh in my mind.  Whose fault was it?  There is a lot of blame to go around.

But first, a little timeline.

July 5th, 2008 or so – we separate.  Julia wanted me to leave, for a trial period.  And honestly, I wasn’t crazy about my relationship with her (more on that in another post) either.  But I felt it in my heart, and I’ve told her, that  if I left, that was pretty much it.  Daya, a friend of mine at work, suggested that I rent a room from her ex-husband and whom I somewhat knew from previous dealings.  We agreed on a price of $750, month-to-month, and I was off.  Before I left, I offered Julia the following deal: for the time being I’d give her $7200 a month (out of my entire paycheck of $7800) and I attempt to live on whatever I can make doing side jobs.  This was, of course, temporary, until she got onto her feet.  In exchange, I’d be able to come over and see the kids anytime.  Julia would be responsible for paying the mortgage.

Late July to mid August – I found out that Julia borrowed $100k from our credit line (thus maxing it out).  Without my knowledge, of course.  I never found out what she spent the money on. 

October 17th, 2008 – I had a 5-way bypass surgery.  A week later I was released.  I went back to live with Julia because I could barely walk.  A month later or so, Julia started demanding that I leave and go live elsewhere.     I went back to live with Daya’s ex-husband, Wes. 

December 28th, 2008 – Our relationship did not improve and Julia filed for divorce. 

January 5th, 2009 or so – It seemed that there is no way that we can pay the mortgage and for my upcoming apartment.  We start the process of loan modification.  I suggested it before, but she did not trust the lawyer I found.  Instead she found a loan modification company and decided to go with them.  I paid them their fee of $3,500 and they were off.  The point person or the owner (I never got the full picture), Brett Baughman, suggested that we skip one mortgage payment to get the bank to pay attention.  I relayed this information to Julia.  She never paid the mortgage again.

July 21st, 2009 – Divorce stipulation states that I owe Julia about $4k a month (in child support and alimony).  The house is awarded to Julia.  Although both our names are still on the mortgage.

July to December, 2009 – I attempt to help Julia with the loan modification.  The banks are either missing information or documents, that Julia is either not providing them or is not providing the right docs or the bank is losing them.  Towards the end of this time period, Julia and I had less and less contact.  My emails and phone calls, asking for documents for loan modification, have gone unanswered.  It seemed to me that Julia is on her own trajectory as far as the loan mods go.   During this time, I also made one trial loan modification payment of about $2700 for Julia. 

December 29th, 2009 – The banks decided to sell the house at the auction.  Julia is out of town on a religious journey in New York, studying with some rabbi.  When she comes back, she engages some lawyers and sues the banks to get the house back.

April 20, 2010 or so – all legal options have run out.  There is an eviction notice – she has to be out by the weekend.

So let’s review, from July 2008 to July 2009, Julia was getting $7200 per month from me, plus $2400 a month or so from Cypress Equipment Fund (investment we made several years prior).  So about $9600 a month.   Keep in mind that between Feb 2009 and July 2009, not a single mortgage payment was made.

After the divorce stipulation, per the agreement I paid her $4000 a month.  And usually, I’d give her an extra $1000 or so each month cause she is chronically short on money.   And she continued to receive $2400 a month from Cypress.  Still not a single payment or even an attempt to make one.  All in all, from Feb 2009 till today in late April of 1020, not a single mortgage payment was made by Julia.

As a point of clarification, there were initially 2 mortgages.  And the payment was almost $5k per month.   Then when Julia withdrew $100k from our credit line, it added to the monthly payment.

So there was certainly money to pay the mortgage, or at least pay a part of it.  There were also people attempting to arrange a short sale of the house, but Julia was determined to keep it.

Why didn’t we get the loan modification done?  I certainly tried.  However, Julia is huge into keeping secrets and everything was always a secret.  Including her conversations with the banks, with the loan modification company,  with everyone.  So we had a massive lack of communication.  I never knew what was going on, unless someone from the bank or the loan mod company would call or email.

So, whose fault is it that the house was lost?  I don’t know.  I think I did everything reasonable to allow Julia to keep the house. 

Yeah, I am getting divorced.

I chose today to start chronicling the divorce?  Why?  In case the kids want to know the details 20 years later.  Or perhaps because Julia is losing her house this week and I know she will blame me for it all. 

But mostly because time makes the details vanish.  And I don’t want them to vanish.